Once upon a time (early January, 2001) Boin and myself both got one of those survey things in the e-mail. You know, the usual: Name, age, preffered hair colour, croutons or bacon bits. Whereas most people seemed to enjoy being honest in these things, Boin and I preffered being creative with our answers. So we made our own. And no one bloody well replied to it. Here's the E-mail and my answers to the questions that came out of a session over IRC where Boin and I were just waaaaay too hypo. Remember they're not serious...



Good day. We here at the Institute of Demeaning Items and Obscene/Tedious Surveys (Henceforth known as I.D.I.O.T.S.) have decided that you, the e-mail victim, are swamped with survey after survey of Name, Age and preffered hair colour. While we, the IDIOTS, do agree that answering these can be 'fun', we also feel that these surveys avoid the real issues that should be dealt with, the questions that must be asked. It stands to reason that, in light of the numerous surveys that have plagued your own inbox dear victim, we send you another survey. One that promises to deal with the real issues, I assure you.

The process is simple, good reader. Simply copy this E-mail into as new one (this will avoid any annoying 'forward' arrows and the like), and replace the survey's answers with your own. Forward this to all you feel have suffered enough surveys (or alternatively, your whole mailing list) as well as the bastard/bitch who sent it to you.

This is not necessarily a test of integrity, ladies and gentlemen, this is a test of creativity. Good day.



- WHO ARE YOU?: Nathan, I think.
- WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?: IDIOTS, in both senses.
- NO, REALLY?: No. I'm actually Ricardo Santonias, Spanish super spy and expert flamenco dancer. You want my babies.
- AGE: 18
- IN DOG YEARS: 18 + 4... carry the 1... Oh bollocks.
- IN FISH YEARS: 253
- EXACTLY HOW LONG DO YOU THINK A FISH YEAR IS?: 278 human years.
- ARCH-NEMESIS?: Mr Whippy.
- WHICH ICE-CREAM TOPPING WOULD YOU LEAST LIKE TO INVENT, AND HOW?: Hazelnut whip. By confusing (in a drunken stupor) the topping machine and the urinal...
- WHAT IS THE FUNNIEST WAY TO DIE?: Suddenly having the giant foot display fall on you at a Monty Python Convention.
- STUPIDEST QUESTION?: Could I ask you a question?
- FAVOURITE SEX-SCENE?: My secret voyeur collection of everyone I know.
- YOUR DEFINITION OF ZERO?: Nathan's 'score' :P...
- INSTANT CONVERSATION STOPPER: "It's you."
- ALTERNATIVE NAME FOR SELF-LOVE: Rocking the Casbah Cubicle.
- FASTEST WAY TO INFLATE A RUBBER DINGY?: Beans.
- IF YOU WERE A JAMES BOND TYPE VILLAIN, WHAT WOULD YOU CALL YOURSELF?: Dr. Science-In-A-Box. I would unleash my race of superhuman entities made from toy-store home science kits, and when they failed due to the lack of potency in favour of children's safety, I'd just throw the microscope at the cocky bastard.
- WHAT'S THE BEST DRUG TO TAKE ON A FAMILY PICNIC AND WHY?: Aspirin. Or you can give sleeping pills to your sibling, and use them as a puppet to entertain everyone else.
- WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR $34.55?: Whatever you want, sugar...
- HOW WOULD YOU BEST ANSWER THIS QUESTION?: With an answer.
- ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH PENIS PUPPETRY?: Yes.
- DEMONSTRATE: Behold, the John Howard *Screaming is heard*...
- DESCRIBE THE BEST USE FOR A GERBIL ON SPEED: Drive-thru felching.
- NAME YOUR OWN COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG: "I can't stand your face so I used it as a halloween mask."
- ROAD CYCLISTS ARE WORTH HOW MANY POINTS?: 50
- HOW MANY MORE IF YOU GET THEM WITH THE DOOR?: 100... 500 if there's someone in the baby seat.
- WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU'D THINK IF A SPARROW FLEW INTO YOUR FACE: I have become the reincarnate Fabio.
- I'M THINKING OF A NUMBER. WHAT IS IT?: 42
- EXPLAIN IN DETAIL IF TIME-TRAVEL IS POSSIBLE: Yes. By using a cucumber, two bits of carrot, and... no wait. No, I'm not meant to say that...
- COMPLETE THE SENTENCE: Cobblers.
- ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?: No.
- THERE'S NOBODY ELSE HERE, SO YOU MUST BE TALKING TO ME...: I see dead people.
- HOW MANY DAYS WOULD IT TAKE TO RECREATE MAN AND EARTH?: Depends on how much lego.
- IF YOU WERE A DOG OUT ON A WALK, WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO HUMILIATE YOUR MASTER?: Crap on his/her shoe every time an attractive member of the opposite sex passed.
- IF I GIVE YOU A NEEDLE AND THREAD, COULD YOU MAKE MY DAY?: For $34.55.
- WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?: The unseen masterpiece.
- FAVOURITE FOREIGN ACCENT WHILE 'ROCKING THE CASBAH'?: Esperanto.
- AND LASTLY, WHAT QUESTION SHOULD'VE BEEN ON HERE?: If I knew it would be here.

Thank you for your time.

Questions: Boin and Davis