Warning: Those with fanatic religious beliefs, queasy stomachs or tendencies to stab blaspheomers in the eye with a pen should probably not read this. Answer this question to judge what you are:

If you went to hell and were allowed to take one thing, what would it be?

If you answered along the lines of 'Marshmallows', you'll be fine, keep reading. If you said 'A Bible', I don't think you should go any further. Unless you meant for kindling for marshmallows. Which you wouldn't have been able to take with you anyway because you already took the bible. Anyway...

This is meant to be light hearted. Yeah, I know I'm probably going to hell, but I live in Ballarat and I've seen it. See, fourth paragraph and I've already made enemies with over ten religious divisions and the majority of the Victorian farmers and yobbos association. WOOPS did I say that aheheheh oh deary me anyway....

Apologies in advance,

-Davo

Davo Productions presents:
Joe the Pizza Delivery Boy meets God.

As hard to believe as it was, the young man known to the earthly realm as Joseph M. Askins had now transcended the aforementioned realm, and was on his way to what humans know as heaven. For a much greater, bolder purpose. The purpose he was born for.

A soft landing as the mist enveloped his feet, what should have been ground felt a lot more like matresses. Oop, a little unsteady...

Joseph eventually found his way to the pearly gates, which by the look of it weren't so pearly. They were a little rusty actually. Who maintains heaven, anyway?..

Joe decided to set aside these thoughts, he had a job to do. Which was proving to be a little tricky. Where the hell was that Saint Peter wotzisname guy. Joe was on time for once, and they didn't have the decency to... oh.

On the left side of the gates, roughly sticky-taped to one of the support pillars (which also showed signs of rust... wait, how can solid stone rust?) was a small note, written with blue ink, and rather sloppy hand writing. Joe decided that this would probably answer his problem, otherwise it wouldn't have been written into the story.

NO JUNK MAIL PLEASE.

Oh, fat lot of good that was.

Before Joe had the time to ponder whether or not heaven actually recieves junk-mail, a small, reddish creature ran past him. Joe turned quickly enough to see it run up to the right pillar and press a large, gold button. This emitted a loud ringing noise, to which the creature giggled and ran off. This was followed by a voice from seemingly nowhere, or more specifically, the speaker above the button.

"Yes, hello... Hello... HELLO... Oh $#!@, not that little imp again...". Click, the speaker was off. Okaaay... Ahem. Joe stepped up to the speaker and pressed the button.

"Pizzas are here."

Click "Look if you press that one mo.. oh, sorry, thought it was the imp again... my mistake... yes, come right through." The large gates creaked open, and Joe walked inside.

There was an aura of holiness as Joe reached the central room of heaven, which according to the angel he'd asked for directions was not in the centre but actually a little to the south west, which was pointless because heaven couldn't really have a south west... Hmm, brain hurts. Joe stepped through the large doorway to find himself face to face with eternity's four most powerful figures; God, Jesus, the holy spirit (which technically was not a figure) and Bill Gates. Bill Gates?

A second later the floor beneath the millionaire muppet impersonator gave way, having the man plummet down leaving only the faint sounds of a scream behind, and the slight smell of an overcooked chicken. The other three figures applauded. Loudly.

Joe decided it was probably best not to question the happenings of heaven, he would deliver the pizza and get the hell out of there. Wait, if he didn't want to go here when he died... Joe was now frightened, but none the less would perform his job. "Pizza?"

The two or three figures at the other end of the room looked up, all carefully eyeing the delivery boy. Ater a few moments, God beckoned Joe forward. Joe obliged, and stepped towards the three while God fumbled around in his pocket for his wallet.

"One Supreme, one Hawaiian and one Vegetarian special with bacon, salami and chicken..." Joe figured that one of them liked to make things difficult, which was confirmed when he looked up from the order. Jesus was sitting there grinning like an idiot.

"That's us," replied God, who took the pizzas and placed them on a table beside him. "How much did that come to again?"
Joe replied "$19.95."

"$19.95!? Oh Jesus Christ, wha--"

"Yes?"

God glared at his son, who still had the same grin on his face, although now a little nervous.

"Go to your room."

"Sorry Dad..." And Jesus walked away, taking the vegetarian with him. Picking off all the bits of meat on the way, knowing this was making Joeseph extremely annoyed.

"Sorry about that," God apologized, "it's from his mother's side of the family..."

Okay, it's from his mother's side. Yes, that makes perfect sense, especially considering that God is ordering pizzas and sending computer software tycoons to eternal damnation. Yes of course it's from his mother's side...

"Are you being sarcastic?" God asked.

"I..?" Joe hadn't said that. Damn God, he had to be careful now...

"Damn straight," replied God.

"Stop that." It definitely wasn't the mother's side. God ignored that comment and handed twenty bucks over to Joe. Joe on the other hand was having trouble finding the five cents change, and so spent a good minute or two fishing around for it.

While this was happening, another figure had entered the room, a short Chinese man, who walked slowly, and rather cautiously for some reason, toward the thrones.

"Don't worry, I sent him to his room." The short man was somewhat relieved. Joe was confused. Did God mean Jesus? What did Jesus do to these people?

The little man came up to God, and detailed something to the lord almighty in Cantonese. After about thirty seconds of speech that Joe couldn't understand, God replied in English. "He's done what now?"

The Asian continued, now in his nervous state again. God listened, and seemed to be getting a little more angrier. Finally, he stood up, and yelled towards the doorway his son had left through earlier.

"JESUS ARE YOU SPITBALLING PEOPLE FROM UP THERE AGAIN?!"

"$#!@" was the reply heard, followed by the usual "Sorry Dad."

"Damn kid." The man left, a little scared, but also a little more confident of keeping his head free of wet bits of paper. Joe was a little puzzled.

"Uh, God?.."

"Hmm?" God had calmed down a bit now.

"That guy was speaking to you in Chinese, right?"

"Yes..."

"But you spoke back to him in English, right?"

"Not really," said God. "You only heard me speak in English, he heard me speak in Cantonese. People here me in whatever language they choose to hear me in..."

"Any?.."

"Well yes anyay anguagelay atthay..." God stopped. And glared at Joe. Joe smiled nervously.

"Please don't do that," requested God a little too calmly. Pig latin was not a good idea.

"Sorry.... What about backwards?"

"Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't you--"

He popped his head around the doorway, "Yes, Dad?"

"SHUT UP, DAMN YOU!!!" Jesus walked away again. Still grinning. God was fuming... "Little $#!@..."

Joe looked around him. Was this really what he wanted for the after life? Mind you, sending Bill Gates to hell was a plus...

"The change?" God stared at Joe, still a little twitchy from the effects of his son. Joe fumbled around desperately for the last five cent piece. Found it. He handed it over to God, who pocketed the small silver coin.

God then became a little nervous. He glanced to his left, where the Holy Spirit was somehow trying to solve what was a Rubik's cube. Now assured that the spirit's mind would be occupied for at least another few millenia, reached under his throne to pull out a small book. He turned to Joe, and quietly asked, "Could you do me a favour?"

"Sure." Joe didn't want to think about what would happen to him if he refused. Spitballs probably.

"I need you to return this to the library?" God handed over the book.

Joe looked down at it. The... WHAT? Why the hell was God reading this? "Uh... God? Why were you reading the--"

God became very anxious "Shhhh! You wanna go to hell? Look, don't mention that book! Just return it..." God looked over at the Holy spirit, who was still looking at the coloured patterns of the cube.

"Um. Which library?" Joe asked. God was now even more nervous, but he remained calm. He leaned forward and whispered the name of the library to Joe, who was now very shocked. What the hell was God doing there? He decided not to question. "Okay..."

Joe turned to go, but something itched at him. There was one thing he had to do while he was here. One question he had to ask, one that for all eternity the answer remained a mystery.

"God?"

"Yes, Joe?"

"Heaven is paradise for everyone, right?"

"Yes...?"

"So who cleans the place?"

God stopped. To be honest he expected a question more along the lines of the meaning of life or something. However...

"You saw the front gates didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"Think about it."

Joe didn't want to. Especially where the toilets were concerned. "No one cleans the place?"

"No, maintenance went on strike."

What? On strike?

"They didn't believe they were getting their fair share of eternal bliss..."

"Do you have to keep doing that?" queried Joseph.

"What?... Oh, the thought thing... Aheh, sorry..."

Joe knew one thing. He had to get out of this place. "Well, thanks anyway. Gee, look at the time, I better go..." Time for a hasty retreat...

"Joe?"

Uh Oh. "Yes?"

"Say anything about the book and I'll wipe you from existance..."

"Yes God."

"What book?" Jesus popped his head around the corner. God threw a slice of the nearly forgotten pizza at him. Jesus ducked and ran off laughing.

"Damn. That was a waste of a perfectly good slice of pizza." God began to eat the rest of it. Joe turned to walk out. Behind him the Holy Spirit spoke.

"Joseph?"

"Yes?"

"On your way out, could you tell someone to send in that professor Rubik guy?" The heavenly essence was now trying to smash the accursed little puzzle against the side of his chair, "I'd like a word with him..."